My boyfriend, Matt, and I have been together for two years and have been living together for eight months. I was cleaning our apartment when I found a note in the back of a cabinet. For context’s sake, I’ll copy it below:

“Dear Matt’s Future Girlfriend,

I know it’s you reading this because he’d never clean back here. I’m putting this here because I’m leaving him soon and want to warn you about him:

• He will not clean
• He will not listen
• He will make everything feel like it’s your fault

It’s not your fault, he’s just an incompetent man. I’m leaving him, I suggest you do the same.

Best wishes, Teresa”

I read the note, brought it to Matt, and asked for his response. It was not what I expected.

Matt looked at me with a mixture of hurt and embarrassment. He took the note from my hand, read it carefully, and let out a deep breath. “I can’t believe she actually left that,” he said, shaking his head. “I knew she was angry when she moved out, but this…” His voice trailed off.

I could see the conflict in his eyes. On one hand, he looked guilty, like he was remembering something he’d done that he regretted. On the other, he seemed frustrated—like Teresa had left behind a huge piece of baggage in our apartment, something he had no control over.

“Okay,” I said, keeping my voice as calm as possible. “But I need to know the truth. Is any of this… accurate? I mean, I’ve known you for two years, and so far, you haven’t made me feel like I’m at fault for everything.” I paused, letting the question hang in the air. “But I also know I sometimes do most of the cleaning.”

Matt ran his hands through his hair, clearly uncomfortable. “When Teresa and I were together, things got tense toward the end. We fought all the time. She was neat, I was messy. She liked to talk about every little thing, I… didn’t.” He hesitated, looking at the note again. “It’s not that I’m a perfect boyfriend now, but with Teresa, we were just in a really bad place. We brought out the worst in each other.”

I felt my shoulders relax a bit. “So you don’t think everything was her fault?”

“Not at all. It was mostly mutual. But she had her reasons for leaving, and I had mine.”

I appreciated his honesty, but I couldn’t get the words from Teresa’s note out of my head. If she felt the need to warn me, I wanted the full story. So after a long conversation with Matt—and with his cautious blessing—I decided to reach out to Teresa.

I found her on social media. It was a little nerve-wracking to message her out of the blue, but I kept it short, sweet, and polite. I simply wrote: “Hey Teresa, I’m Matt’s current girlfriend. I found a note you left in our apartment. I’d love to talk if you have a moment.”

To my surprise, she responded within a couple of hours. Her message was friendly, asking for my number so we could talk more comfortably. I gave it to her, and that same evening, my phone buzzed with her call.

“Hi,” Teresa said, her voice surprisingly soft. “I wondered if I’d ever hear from you.”

We jumped right into it. I told her I’d found the note and how it made me feel. I needed to understand why she left it there—and if it was just written in the heat of anger or if there was more I needed to know.

She sighed. “I’m not proud of that note, to be honest. But at the time, I was so hurt and frustrated. Matt and I were together for almost three years. We started off well, but in the last year, we became toxic to each other. The arguments were endless. He wouldn’t clean up after himself, and if I pointed it out, he’d shut down. If I told him I felt ignored, he’d roll his eyes and act like I was overreacting.”

I tried to keep an open mind, remembering this was only her side of the story. “That sounds rough,” I said quietly. “Did he really make you feel like everything was your fault?”

“Sometimes, yes,” she replied, “but sometimes I made it out to be bigger than it was. I had my own issues—trust issues, mainly. In the end, it wasn’t that he was a horrible person, but we were just… incompatible. We were forcing something that had long expired.”

I asked more questions, gently probing. Teresa gradually opened up. The truth was a lot more nuanced than her note suggested. It wasn’t that Matt would never listen—sometimes he just didn’t know how to respond, which made her feel dismissed. And it wasn’t that Matt never cleaned—he was inconsistent, but he tried. Teresa admitted she’d been under tremendous stress from a new job and brought those frustrations home with her.

By the time we ended the call, I felt I had a clearer picture. Teresa apologized for the hurtful tone of the note and actually wished us well. “I wrote that letter on the worst day of our relationship,” she explained. “He wasn’t a monster. But if you do see patterns that remind you of your own relationship, just… pay attention. Don’t stay silent about it.”

That conversation could have ended there, but I found myself thinking about Teresa’s warning for days. Matt and I had little arguments sometimes, mostly about chores and responsibilities, but they never escalated into shouting matches or blame games.

Still, I felt an urge to address the cleaning issue head-on—especially since I realized how much it bothered me to do most of the work. One evening, when we were both home, I opened a kitchen cabinet, gesturing toward it like a visual example. Boxes of cereal tumbled out, and a couple of half-opened snack bags threatened to spill.

“Look,” I said, giving him a slight smile. “This is a mess. I don’t mind organizing sometimes, but it can’t always be my job. Can we find a system that works for both of us?”

Matt blinked, as if he was realizing it for the first time. Then he nodded. “Of course. Just tell me what needs to be done, and I’ll do it.”

I took a breath. “That’s the thing—I don’t want to always tell you. I just want you to notice.”

It was an honest moment. My cheeks felt warm, but I stood my ground. I explained that when he asked me to point out what needed doing, it made me feel like his mom or his boss, not his partner. He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I just really don’t see it until it’s spelled out for me. But I’ll work on it. Promise.”

Over the next few weeks, we started doing a nightly tidy-up. It sounds small, but those fifteen minutes of shared cleaning each evening brought a sense of balance to our home—and, surprisingly, to our relationship. We turned on some music, occasionally danced in the kitchen, joked about how messy we both could be. In a weird way, it became fun.

At the same time, I began noticing that Matt was more willing to talk about deeper issues. If I mentioned feeling stressed or unheard, he’d pause, set down his phone, and make actual eye contact with me. I realized maybe that’s what Teresa needed too—just that sense that he was truly there, engaged, and prepared to meet her halfway.

We didn’t become perfect overnight, and I doubt we ever will. But we understood that relationships are about two flawed people finding a way to coexist. The note from Teresa turned out to be a wake-up call. It forced us to have difficult conversations about the practical things (like chores) and the emotional things (like feeling valued).

About a month after my initial conversation with her, I sent Teresa a text. I thanked her for speaking so honestly with me. I let her know that Matt and I were doing well and working through our issues. She wrote back with a simple message: “I’m really happy for you guys. Truly.”

Looking back, the most surprising part of all this is how a short, angry letter hidden in a cabinet changed our relationship for the better. Instead of letting it fuel paranoia or resentment, I used it as a starting point for open communication. Talking to Teresa gave me insight into the challenges Matt used to have, and it helped me understand his point of view.

But the biggest lesson for me is that everyone carries past experiences into new relationships. Sometimes those experiences create baggage, sometimes they offer lessons. If we learn to address problems before they become overwhelming, we have a better chance of moving forward in a healthy way.

Matt and I still have our moments—like when he forgets to take out the trash, or I snap at him because I’m tired from work—but we’re more intentional about how we handle these situations. We apologize when we’re wrong, we communicate our needs, and we try not to assume the worst about each other.

If you ever come across a warning note about your partner’s flaws, don’t jump to conclusions right away. Hear them out. Sometimes a person’s past relationship is just a mismatch. Sometimes a relationship can grow and improve when both sides actually address the issues at hand.

In our case, the note opened a door to honesty. It helped us strengthen our bond. And for that, I’m oddly grateful to Teresa’s scribbled words. So the next time you feel stuck—whether it’s about chores or deeper issues—remember that open communication is usually the best way forward.

That’s our story, and I hope it encourages you to talk things out with the people you love. Because if something as simple as a hidden note can spark a change for the better, imagine what purposeful, honest discussions can do.

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