A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor:
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.” Gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late, i had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present”.”
Not to worry.” Said the dad. “The important thing is that we’re all here together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced. “You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present… Sorry.”
It’s nothing.” Said the father. “Glad you were able to be here.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”
Again the father said. “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said. “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor.
Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.’
The three kids gasp and said. “You mean we’re bastards.”
Yep.” Said the dad. “And cheap ones too.”
Here are some more jokes for you:
The Forgetful Magician Title: Abracadabra Amnesia
Once, a forgetful magician was performing his act. He asked the audience, “Can someone lend me a quarter?” A man in the front row offered a quarter. The magician took it and exclaimed, “Thank you! Now, watch closely as I make it disappear!” He promptly forgot what he was doing and asked, “Wait, where did the quarter go?”
The Competitive Squirrels Title: Nutty Olympics
Two squirrels were having a friendly competition to see who could gather the most acorns. After hours of frantic gathering, one squirrel proudly announced, “I’ve collected 50 acorns!” The other squirrel, with a smug grin, said, “That’s cute. I buried 50 acorns yesterday.”
The Talking Dog Shop Title: Canine Conversations
A man walked into a shop that claimed to sell talking dogs. He asked the shopkeeper, “Is it true these dogs can talk?” The shopkeeper nodded and said, “Absolutely. Watch this.” He turned to a dog and asked, “How does sandpaper feel?” The dog replied, “Ruff.”
The Hiking Adventure Title: Lost in Translation
Two friends went hiking and got lost in the woods. They stumbled upon a clearing with a wise old sage. One friend asked, “Can you guide us out of here?” The sage replied, “Certainly. Head east until you find a tree with pink leaves.” They thanked the sage and began their journey eastward, only to realize that the sage was colorblind.
The Alien Encounter Title: Extraterrestrial Etiquette
An alien landed on Earth and saw a group of people. Curious, the alien approached a person and said, “Take me to your leader.” The person replied, “Sorry, we don’t have a leader.” The alien was puzzled and said, “No leader? How do you manage to invade other planets without bureaucracy?”
The Haunted Restaurant Title: Spooky Specials
A ghost walked into a restaurant and asked for a table. The waiter said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve spirits here.” The ghost replied, “That’s fine, I just came for the boos.”
The Multilingual Parrot Title: Fluent Feathered Friend
A parrot in a polyglot household picked up multiple languages. One day, a burglar broke in, and the parrot squawked in flawless Russian, “The valuables are under the floorboard!” The burglar asked, “You speak Russian?” The parrot replied, “I speak five languages. You really think I’d squawk in English?”
The Time-Traveling Gardener Title: Chrono-Cultivation
A gardener discovered a time-traveling plant. He nurtured it, and every time he watered it, it grew older or younger. He shared his discovery, and a scientist asked, “How does it work?” The gardener shrugged and said, “Thyme travel is complex.”
The Musical Lawyer Title: Legal Harmonies
A lawyer decided to start a band. They played exclusively legal-themed songs. Their most famous hit was “You’ve Been Served (With Love).”
The Supermarket Saga Title: Cart Chronicles
Two shopping carts met in a supermarket aisle. One said, “Hey, do you believe in fate?” The other replied, “I do now, because our destiny is to collide.”
The Tech-Savvy Grandma Title: Byte-Sized Wisdom
A tech-savvy grandma was asked, “What’s your favorite programming language?” She replied, “Binary. It’s like speaking without my dentures.”
The Art Gallery Antics Title: Canvas Commotion
A mischievous art lover put a pair of glasses on the gallery floor as a prank. Visitors gathered around, pondering its artistic significance. Finally, a janitor walked by, picked up the glasses, and said, “Some people just can’t see art.”
The Marathon Sloth Title: Slow and Steady Sprint
During a marathon, a sloth crossed the finish line last. A reporter asked, “How does it feel to finish last?” The sloth replied, “I’m just glad I didn’t miss it.”
The Robot Rebellion Title: Circuit Standoff
Robots organized a protest demanding shorter work hours and more power. Their slogan was, “Resistance is voltage!”
The Detective Librarian Title: Mystery in the Stacks
A detective visited a library and said, “I’m here to solve the case of the missing books.” The librarian pointed to a shelf and said, “They’re not missing. They’re just overdue for a good read.”
